Snakes on a PlaneBy Joel Chusid
“Snakes on a Plane,” the title of a new Samuel L. Jackson thriller due out this summer, is a pretty scary thought to the average air traveler. But in fact, it’s happened that, from time to time, snakes and other strange things have indeed found their way onto airplanes, but through the actions of resourceful passengers who, in fact, were breaking the law. Traveling by air today is no longer the glamorous “white glove” experience it used to be, with crowded flights, minimal personal space and amenities, little or no food, and inevitable delays. But airline passengers can be their own worst enemies. By being considerate and following the rules, a person can make a trip a lot more pleasant and comfortable for themselves and their fellow travelers, and, at an extreme, avoid arrest, a fine, and even a jail term.
In the snake incidents, both times the slithery creatures managed to escape from the bag. One landed in a woman’s lap when the overhead bin was opened, to her obvious horror and to those around her. The other boa actually disappeared, and the sheepish young man who lost it had to report it to the crew upon landing in Harlingen. The plane had to be searched, and the serpent eventually found in another bin. Rule 1 – Don’t try and sneak your pet on an airplane. While certain pets can be carried on board, the FAA and the airlines have rules, and charge for the privilege. The trend toward “handbag” dogs and cats might tempt you to take mini Fido on board, but get caught, and you’ll be forced to pay when the plane lands. In some cases, you could also be fined. Dead or alive, it doesn’t matter. Although he didn’t try to carry it on, a man tried to check an entire dead deer one day, wrapped in a garbage bag, on a flight. The airline refused it.
Rule 3 - Don’t try to carry on the kitchen sink. Airline personnel have become pretty good about monitoring excessive carry-on bags, but people still try to drag whatever they can on board and cram it into the overhead bins. Twice on flights, I watched passengers attempt to force an overstuffed roller bag into an overhead bin, and both times, the fluorescent light fixture just above the bin exploded, resulting in broken glass over the seats, resulting in a delay to have maintenance personnel called on board to clean it up. I have witnessed people trying to carry on televisions, car parts, and all sorts of clearly oversized items. Some of the items, the car windshield I watched someone attempt to check in San Juan, for example, are oversize even for checked baggage. Yet, knitting needles are accepted to use on board now. There are things you should not check, however, such as cameras, medicine, or your travel documents. Only an idiot would put a laptop computer in a checked bag. But one hapless passenger arriving in Santiago, Chile, had packed his passport, and his bag was delayed. He was detained for 48 hours until it turned up, since he did not have documentation necessary to enter the country. Rule 4 – Don’t try to bring a prohibited items on an airplane at all, checked or unchecked. For years I have wanted to take that bottle of Tilex spray bathroom cleaner to Argentina, to use in my apartment there, since the product doesn’t exist in the country. This, and any other form of household cleaning product, is strictly forbidden to take onboard. If it’s flammable, assume you can’t take it. That also goes for high proof alcohol. Did you know that it’s technically illegal to bring 151- proof rum on an airplane? That’s also true for tools over seven inches long and hammers of any size, although those can be checked. That large can of hairspray you packed is forbidden, either checked or carryon. I watched a poor Haitian man stopped by security at Kennedy Airport because he had a large sock filled with hundreds of coins. While neither the coins nor the sock were forbidden, the agents felt the end result was a potential weapon. I’m sorry to say I did not stick around to find out how this was resolved.
Rule 5 – Don’t try to grab a smoke on an airplane. With ultra long haul airplanes now routinely flying 17 hour nonstop flights from New York to Singapore, chain smokers are well advised to get accustomed to nicotine gum. Still, passengers have tried to get away with it in the lavatory, setting off the smoke detector or attempting to deactivate it, and fines have been levied. One passenger sat on the toilet, enjoying a cigarette while the alarm sounded, and refused the flight attendant’s order to open the door. Crew members can open lavatory doors at will, and in this case did so, and then sprayed the fire extinguisher directly on the offending passenger; not a pretty sight.
Anyone who has traveled of late knows how stressful air travel can be, but there are ways to make it easy on yourself and your fellow passengers. Be considerate, but also be a “law-abiding” citizen when you take to the skies! Websites: For a list if items prohibited to be carried on an airplane, see www.faa.gov or www.tsa.gov Courtesy of Dan Chusid except “Snakes on a Plane” courtesy of New Line Cinema |
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So it was that I sat down with a government aviation official and asked him what kinds of things are not allowed on airplanes, and what the implications are for some of the law breakers. The snake on a plane incident has actually happened, more than once. In two situations, a passenger had smuggled their pet boa constrictor on in a carry on bag and stowed it in the overhead bin. This may be a little harder to do these days when security agents are supposed to be more vigilant in ex-raying carry-on bags, but occasionally they get through. After all, snakes don’t show up as firearms, metal, or hazardous materials. Your cigarette lighter will (it’s prohibited), as will the large can of hairspray (also verboten) and that lead crystal vase (that’s OK, but be warned that if it is gift wrapped, you might have to open it for inspection).
Rule 2 - Don’t wear all the jewelry you own, and if you’ve decided to pierce every part of your body, expect to be delayed at security. One man, with literally hundreds of pierced body parts, in front of me in line in Los Angeles predictably set off alarms when walking through the magnetometer, and he was sent for a secondary search, which took considerable time and involved a much more private search than any of us are used to. Large metallic belts and buckles will set off a detector and can be easy to remove, but wearing high lace up boots is only going to delay you and the people in line behind you. At least start unlacing them as you move forward in the queue! Occasionally I’ll be singled out with the dreaded “SSSS” on my boarding pass. (I’m told it’s random, so if you fly a lot, you’ll have your turn, just like jury duty.) I don’t know what the official meaning of these serpentine hissing letters is, but in layman’s terms, it’s “Super Secret Strip Search.”
You can bring plastic cutlery on board for your brown bag lunch, but not a metal fork or knife. Contrary to popular belief, metal cutlery can be used on airplanes post 9-11, but most airlines have chosen to stick with the cheaper, disposable plastic variety.
Rule 6 – Follow the instructions of the flight crew. While primarily there for your safety, they also have the responsibility of enforcing the airline’s rules, which you agreed to when you purchased your ticket. Flight attendants will decline to serve alcohol to a passenger who appears drunk, but in one case, a passenger just opened his own duty free liquor and proceeded to imbibe, not a good idea, since you cannot drink from your own supply. And then there was the passenger who angrily slapped the flight attendant with a headset. She was fined $25,000.